Jealousy vs Envy

These two words are often used interchangeably but I am going to suggest there is a key difference between the two that will help one differentiate them. Describing how these two differ will suffice rather than starting off defining these two.

Both are the involuntary emotional responses to a real or perceived disparity to something somebody values and wants to possess (or have). The key difference is that with jealousy the person either does not or just has the impression that they can't have that particular X at present, but they believe they can attain X at some point. 


Example: Bob sees Tom driving a particular Hot Rod that he wants. Bob will be buying the same Hot Rod soon but seeing Tom riding that now when Bob doesn't currently have it incites jealousy in him. In the example of relationships, a person with a partner already has the person they value, obviously, but fears losing that person, rationally or not.

Contrast this with envy where the valued X is not present and that the person either really can't, or they believe they can't, ever have X.

Example: Bob sees Tom with his new girlfriend and involuntarily feels envy, believing himself so inadequate that he will never have a girlfriend himself.

I think this key difference is what separates the two. You often see explanations like this which are less than explanatory:

Envy is similar to jealousy in that they both feel discontent towards someone's traits, status, abilities, or rewards. The difference is the envious also desire that entity and covet it.

This explanation does not differentiate the two sufficiently. Also, both may drive somebody to do something about the disparity (or perceived disparity) but the above explanation would have an envious person try to covet it. In the first example Bob eventually covets the Hot Rod he desires and the jealousy is resolved. He could also have resolved the jealousy prior to getting the car by reminding himself that he eventually will have this particular thing that somebody else currently has.

But in the second example Bob is envious of somebody having a girlfriend and he believes he is not adequate enough to get a girlfriend on his own... and it is possibly even Tom's girlfriend that roused his envy in the first place that he can never have. How is Bob supposed to resolve the disparity? When one believes they are incapable of having something they want the irrational thinking process may lead some envious people to instead destroy that which they envy in order to resolve it.

A metaphor I like to use here may help explain what I mean and it's a bit fanciful, but I think it fits: If Bob is in a world where everyone has wings and can fly but him, he will either feel jealousy or envy. If it turns out Bob knows he is just about to grow his wings (I know, crazy metaphor, but work with me here) and will eventually get his own, he is likely to feel jealousy just looking at all the people who are currently enjoying something he wants but cannot immediately enjoy it. He has to wait for it and jealousy simply tells him this.

If Bob sees everyone as having wings and can fly but Bob can never (or simply thinks he can never) grow wings and fly with them then he will likely experience envy. He could deal with the envy in many ways. Unlike the quote above, Bob doesn't believe, or he really cannot, covet the wings so he could just rip off the wings of everybody else to help resolve his feelings of envy. Alternatively, Bob can just conclude that he will never get wings so he will just have to accept it and move on.

Both can be agonizing in their own way if the person does not understand how they arise and how to resolve these emotions. Now, I should remind the reader that emotions do not make anybody do anything but experience the feelings. This can even have some somatic components to it that are strong. The actual doing following emotions depends on the thinking of the person that then would make certain actions more appealing compared to others. Somebody who is jealous may be destructive even though they already possess the desirable thing but that depends on what thoughts arise as a result of the feeling and how they are dealt with. The person with envy could decide to deal with the disparity in a healthy way. Bob, knowing he will never get wings to fly, may just realize that it would be nice to have wings, but he will never get them so he had just better get used to walking. So understanding the distinction between the two gives you a first question to ask whenever you feel something similar to envy or jealousy (both may be experienced as the same in the initial moment). 

So both can have good or bad results. Sometimes I think envy tends to have more destructive results and may be one of the reasons people thought of it as one of the "deadly sins". I think such a concept is irrational, of course, but it is important to realize that jealousy and envy are different. None is better or worse than the other. Again, this just depends on how one chooses to deal with the emotions with their resulting thoughts and then actions.

If you want to help somebody or yourself deal with inequalities in life you should understand this key difference so you know what is being properly experienced. Once you have correctly identified the emotion there are coping strategies that fit one or the other.

If the person is experiencing envy and they really cannot have what they envy, telling them that they will one day covet that which they want is not going to help them. But if they just perceive that they will never have such a thing but they are incorrect in that perception you should help them correct that, in which case they may still experience some feelings of jealousy but at least you have corrected their understanding of their predicament.

A jealous person may also be experiencing some incorrect thinking that should be helped. Fearing that one's partner may be cheating on them causes jealousy because one values that partner in their life so they do not want to give up that partner to somebody else. If their partner is fact not cheating then helping them see this will help them (it also helps to instruct this person on better communication skills with their partner for dealing with these kind of issues). If there are problems in that relationship that could be worked on in some way to avoid jealousy issues then jealousy can help motivate one to do something about it so that their worst fears do not actually come true.

If you are jealous of a friend driving a new car that you could reasonably afford some day, you may just go out and get that car to resolve those feelings. Jealousy is a motivator here. You could also resolve it by perhaps thinking about how much money your friend blew on that car and how your current car, while not so hot, works just fine while not costing you tons of money.

The thinking error to avoid with both emotions is not falling prey to self-fulfilling prophecies. In jealousy this happens whenever the jealous person just perceives something is the case like a partner cheating on them and will leave them when the partner is not doing such a thing. If they continue to act and react as if their partner is cheating that partner may eventually pick up those cues of distrust and either actually commit infidelity, or break up with the person who has insecurity issues.

With envy the self-fulling prophecy can look like somebody who one hand wants to have a relationship whenever they see other people in relationships, but may feel they are not good enough. They may in fact be good enough but if they still conclude they are not good enough and choose to just sit around and become envious of other people who are in relationships, who the hell would want to date such a person who is obviously preoccupied with something else? They then fulfill their own horrible prophecy and become single so long as they hold on to their irrational beliefs.

So in summation: Jealously and Envy are two different emotions that have some similarities so they are often lumped together. The involuntary response to a disparity as it relates to what one values can cause jealousy or envy. With jealousy your valued thing may be threatened or perceived threatened or you just notice the disparity of others having something you could potentially have. With envy you either perceive or you really cannot have a certain valued thing. Each has its own difficulties and pitfalls if not resolved properly.

In future posts I will talk more about emotions and perhaps give a better insight into specific emotions that you may find helpful.